"Move over Jesus!"
Kip: "Jesus! Get on the ball! The lists of sins that you preached about in several places in the Bible were wholly insufficient! I'm surprised that I have to bring this to Your attention, Lord, but You seem to have completely forgotten the Most Important Sin of All!
"Autonomy for local church government is sin."
Jesus: "Kip, please forgive me. You are so right! I can hardly believe that this was not included in the Bible. Actually, I am going to have to have a very stern talk with the apostles up here. Well, except for John, who didn't make it. You know, as much as he wanted to be, he wasn't really My favorite. Anyways, I gave them very strict orders to include "autonomy for local church government is strictly forbidden" in the transcripts of My speeches. Actually, John was in charge of that, and he left it out, which is one of the reasons of My displeasure with him.
"You, however, Kip, are the apple of My eye. I can hardly thank you enough for being so in step with My Spirit that you were able to receive this message from Me, and properly institute the correct teaching, while also making sure that you were the head of My One True Church on Earth and in a position to enforce it.
"Autonomy for local church government is sin! Autonomy for local church government is sin! Autonomy for local church government is sin! What do you think we were talking about for 4o days after my resurrection? Did they remember nothing?
"You can take it from me, the churches MUST be led by one human leader, who will have final authority on Earth to interpret My words. Such an important task should never be left in the hands of mortals. What if they should decide to no longer send their monthly percentage of tithes to the central office? What would happen if they were to fall into Traditional Church of Christ beliefs, like that disciples can be trusted to make their own decisions for themselves?
"The results would be disastrous! The people must be told what to do! They are stubborn, and must be forced to obey! Someone must be entrusted to hold the secrets of My One True Church and SoldOut Discipleship Movement close to his chest! And most of the local evangelists are so weak-willed, they may give themselves over to abhorrent teachings like Pray Me Into Their Hearts if they aren't watched like a hawk and switched to a new city every few years to test their loyalty.
"Clearly, this whole episode reveals why the Bible is insufficient for this. Why, those apostles completely forgot to mention that sisters must hug brothers on the side, and not front to front! And that when brothers take out single sisters on Kingdom Encouragement Dates, they must never be left alone for even a moment, lest they fall into temptation and harbor an evil thought. And the whole rest of the list of sins and instructions that were left out of the Bible by the apostles but that you have so wisely intuited.
"And there is only one person on this planet whom I would trust for this great task. And you, of course, Kip, know who that person is. Obviously, the only one deep and spiritual enough to actually read My mind and add the teachings that My previous helpers so neglectfully forgot to include.
"Thank you, Kip, and keep up the great work! Make the people obey Me, and submit to your authority everywhere and in every city.
"And always remember my promise to you when I took you up on that tall mountain and showed you the splendor of my earthly Kingdom: 'One day, all this will be yours!'"
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